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An employee interrupts you during a meeting. You let it slide. The following week, it happens again. You raise your voice, then regret it. Or you say nothing, and the frustration builds up. These two reactions have one thing in common: they didn’t solve anything. Assertive communication is precisely the third option that most managers have never learned.
In our coaching sessions at NUMA, we see this pattern time and time again: unspoken issues build up, then explode. The root of the problem isn’t the disagreement itself—it’s the inability to express it clearly. That’s where assertiveness comes into play—as a practical managerial skill, not just a wellness slogan.
Assertive communication is the ability to express one’s needs, opinions, and boundaries clearly and directly, while at the same time respecting the other person. It occupies the space between two approaches that drain teams: passivity (staying silent to avoid conflict) and aggression (imposing one’s point of view at the expense of the relationship).
This isn't a technique for being nice. It's an attitude of mutual respect, which means having something to say and actually saying it.
In management, there are four distinct styles: passivity (problems become entrenched), aggressiveness (the relationship deteriorates), manipulation (trust erodes), and assertiveness (the problem is addressed, and the relationship is preserved). Most managers oscillate between the first three. Assertiveness is achieved through a systematic approach.
In our coaching sessions, we’ve observed that managers who avoid difficult conversations don’t do so because they lack courage. They’ve simply never had a framework for approaching them in any way other than through confrontation.
An assertive manager knows how to identify what is happening, articulate their expectations, and stand their ground under pressure without losing touch with their team. These are skills, not personality traits. These skills are among the most critical managerial soft skills for a team’s performance.
The tangible benefits: fewer unspoken issues, more frequent feedback because it’s less intimidating, faster decision-making, and fewer situations that escalate into open conflict. Compassionate communication isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s a measurable driver of performance.
Assertive communication is based on three habits that you need to internalize.
Speak in the first person (“I”), not the second person (“you”). When you say, “You’re always late,” you’re attacking the person, and they’ll go on the defensive. When you say, “I need our meetings to start on time,” you’re expressing a need and opening up a discussion. Using “I” prevents the other person from immediately becoming defensive.
Describe the facts, not the intentions. “You’re not listening” is an interpretation. “You looked at your phone three times while I was talking” is a fact. Most workplace conflicts escalate because people confuse the two.
Make a specific request, not a vague complaint. “We can’t keep going like this” gets us nowhere. “Can we agree that the deliverables will be submitted by Thursday at noon?” gives the other person something concrete to accept or discuss.
In addition to these strategies,active listening is key: restating what you’ve understood before responding (“If I understand correctly, you believe that…”) shows that you’ve listened and significantly reduces the likelihood of the situation escalating. Assertiveness isn’t a structured monologue—it’s a dialogue.
The OSBD method is the core framework of nonviolent communication in the workplace, formalized by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1970s. It allows people to express a problem without attacking others and to make a request without demanding, in four steps.
O for Observation: Describe the facts neutrally, without generalizing. “Over the past three weeks, you’ve canceled two one-on-one meetings with your team” rather than “You’re never available.”
S for "Sentiment ": Name what the situation makes you feel, without projecting it onto the other person. "I feel like I'm in a difficult position" rather than "You're putting me in a difficult position."
B for Need: Identify what is really at stake. Behind irritation, there is almost always a need for clarity, reliability, or respect. Identifying that need shifts the conversation from conflict to constructive conflict resolution.
D for Request: Make a specific, positive, and negotiable request. “Could you let me know the day before if you need to cancel our meeting?” is better than “You should communicate more.”
Complete example: An employee submitted an incomplete report. “At Friday’s meeting, the report did not include the data for the last quarter (O). This put me in a difficult position with management (S). I need to be able to count on complete deliverables to prepare for these discussions (B). Can we agree to a review meeting the day before? (D)"
This type of phrasing, when approached constructively, takes thirty seconds to formulate and saves ten minutes of fruitless tension.
Offering gentle guidance does not mean watering down the message; it means phrasing it in a way that ensures it is heard and has a lasting impact. This is where giving constructive feedback and communicating assertively go hand in hand.
Assertive reframing follows a three-step process: state the facts immediately (one-on-one, not in a meeting), describe the specific impact on the team or the organization, and then articulate a clear expectation for moving forward. Ending with an open-ended question (“Is there anything holding you back?”) turns the conversation into a dialogue and can sometimes help uncover a problem with tools or workload that you hadn’t suspected.
1. Wait until you're at your wit's end before speaking. A conversation you've avoided ten times is ten times harder to have.
2. Apologizing for your request. "I'm sorry to bother you, but..." invalidates the request before it's even made.
3. Confusing assertiveness with blunt honesty. Being assertive means choosing what to say, when to say it, and how to phrase it so that you’re heard. Blunt honesty without a strategy is often just thinly veiled aggression.
4. Confusing kindness with a lack of clarity. Softening a message to the point where it is no longer understood is not kindness. A direct message can be kind. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Assertive communication isn’t about speaking louder. It’s about stating the facts, expressing your needs, and making a clear request—even when the conversation becomes uncomfortable. With the OSBD method, active listening, and regular reframing, you can address tensions before they escalate into conflicts.
These skills can be practiced through real-life situations. Discover NUMA’s “Managerial Courage” program to learn how to stand your ground clearly without losing touch with your team.
An employee interrupts you during a meeting. You let it slide. The following week, it happens again. You raise your voice, then regret it. Or you say nothing, and the frustration builds up. These two reactions have one thing in common: they didn’t solve anything. Assertive communication is precisely the third option that most managers have never learned.
In our coaching sessions at NUMA, we see this pattern time and time again: unspoken issues build up, then explode. The root of the problem isn’t the disagreement itself—it’s the inability to express it clearly. That’s where assertiveness comes into play—as a practical managerial skill, not just a wellness slogan.
Assertive communication is the ability to express one’s needs, opinions, and boundaries clearly and directly, while at the same time respecting the other person. It occupies the space between two approaches that drain teams: passivity (staying silent to avoid conflict) and aggression (imposing one’s point of view at the expense of the relationship).
This isn't a technique for being nice. It's an attitude of mutual respect, which means having something to say and actually saying it.
In management, there are four distinct styles: passivity (problems become entrenched), aggressiveness (the relationship deteriorates), manipulation (trust erodes), and assertiveness (the problem is addressed, and the relationship is preserved). Most managers oscillate between the first three. Assertiveness is achieved through a systematic approach.
In our coaching sessions, we’ve observed that managers who avoid difficult conversations don’t do so because they lack courage. They’ve simply never had a framework for approaching them in any way other than through confrontation.
An assertive manager knows how to identify what is happening, articulate their expectations, and stand their ground under pressure without losing touch with their team. These are skills, not personality traits. These skills are among the most critical managerial soft skills for a team’s performance.
The tangible benefits: fewer unspoken issues, more frequent feedback because it’s less intimidating, faster decision-making, and fewer situations that escalate into open conflict. Compassionate communication isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s a measurable driver of performance.
Assertive communication is based on three habits that you need to internalize.
Speak in the first person (“I”), not the second person (“you”). When you say, “You’re always late,” you’re attacking the person, and they’ll go on the defensive. When you say, “I need our meetings to start on time,” you’re expressing a need and opening up a discussion. Using “I” prevents the other person from immediately becoming defensive.
Describe the facts, not the intentions. “You’re not listening” is an interpretation. “You looked at your phone three times while I was talking” is a fact. Most workplace conflicts escalate because people confuse the two.
Make a specific request, not a vague complaint. “We can’t keep going like this” gets us nowhere. “Can we agree that the deliverables will be submitted by Thursday at noon?” gives the other person something concrete to accept or discuss.
In addition to these strategies,active listening is key: restating what you’ve understood before responding (“If I understand correctly, you believe that…”) shows that you’ve listened and significantly reduces the likelihood of the situation escalating. Assertiveness isn’t a structured monologue—it’s a dialogue.
The OSBD method is the core framework of nonviolent communication in the workplace, formalized by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1970s. It allows people to express a problem without attacking others and to make a request without demanding, in four steps.
O for Observation: Describe the facts neutrally, without generalizing. “Over the past three weeks, you’ve canceled two one-on-one meetings with your team” rather than “You’re never available.”
S for "Sentiment ": Name what the situation makes you feel, without projecting it onto the other person. "I feel like I'm in a difficult position" rather than "You're putting me in a difficult position."
B for Need: Identify what is really at stake. Behind irritation, there is almost always a need for clarity, reliability, or respect. Identifying that need shifts the conversation from conflict to constructive conflict resolution.
D for Request: Make a specific, positive, and negotiable request. “Could you let me know the day before if you need to cancel our meeting?” is better than “You should communicate more.”
Complete example: An employee submitted an incomplete report. “At Friday’s meeting, the report did not include the data for the last quarter (O). This put me in a difficult position with management (S). I need to be able to count on complete deliverables to prepare for these discussions (B). Can we agree to a review meeting the day before? (D)"
This type of phrasing, when approached constructively, takes thirty seconds to formulate and saves ten minutes of fruitless tension.
Offering gentle guidance does not mean watering down the message; it means phrasing it in a way that ensures it is heard and has a lasting impact. This is where giving constructive feedback and communicating assertively go hand in hand.
Assertive reframing follows a three-step process: state the facts immediately (one-on-one, not in a meeting), describe the specific impact on the team or the organization, and then articulate a clear expectation for moving forward. Ending with an open-ended question (“Is there anything holding you back?”) turns the conversation into a dialogue and can sometimes help uncover a problem with tools or workload that you hadn’t suspected.
1. Wait until you're at your wit's end before speaking. A conversation you've avoided ten times is ten times harder to have.
2. Apologizing for your request. "I'm sorry to bother you, but..." invalidates the request before it's even made.
3. Confusing assertiveness with blunt honesty. Being assertive means choosing what to say, when to say it, and how to phrase it so that you’re heard. Blunt honesty without a strategy is often just thinly veiled aggression.
4. Confusing kindness with a lack of clarity. Softening a message to the point where it is no longer understood is not kindness. A direct message can be kind. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Assertive communication isn’t about speaking louder. It’s about stating the facts, expressing your needs, and making a clear request—even when the conversation becomes uncomfortable. With the OSBD method, active listening, and regular reframing, you can address tensions before they escalate into conflicts.
These skills can be practiced through real-life situations. Discover NUMA’s “Managerial Courage” program to learn how to stand your ground clearly without losing touch with your team.
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